On the Borderline, so to speak.

Feelings. So many feelings.
No, really. This is sort of serious except that I can't actually talk about something serious in a serious manner, so it might not sound as serious as it is but it's serious. Seriously.


I woke up this morning and I felt wonderful. My beautiful God-send of a boyfriend was sleeping peacefully beside me, the sun was shining through my skylight, and birds were harmonizing victoriously outside of my window. And then - AND THEN - my boyfriend leaves for work and I'm alone with my thoughts for five minutes. Suddenly the sun is excruciating and why won't the noise outside stop already?! I hate birds.


My childhood was sort of sick and twisted and while I'd rather not get into that today while I'm still emotionally charged, suffice it to say I am still healing, if you can even call it that. I have a lot of issues and one of them is an inability to properly control my emotional outbursts. Being as thoroughly damaged as I am has prompted me to take an interest in personality disorders. I've done quite a bit of research on the matter and at the risk of sounding like a hypochondriac, believe myself to be suffering from a disorder, or three. I've been in search of help for a while now (on and off - when I'm depressed I don't feel much like searching out anything) but I haven't found a place that I can actually afford.


Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)


— n
psychiatry  a mental condition on the dividing line between a psychiatric disorder and normality characterized by impulsiveness,extreme mood swings, and often aggressiveness


Thank you, dictionary.com. This is what I relate to most. I've best heard of this disorder described as having a thin emotional skin. Things that would make most people only slightly flustered cause massive panic attacks for me. It is emotional instability. You're too high, and then you're too low. There is seldom a middle ground and it is always, always too much. I hate myself for the unnecessary pain I cause to myself and to those closest to me. My boyfriend is truly a saint to have stayed by my side for the past year and a half, because dealing with my shit on a day to day basis is absolutely the most difficult thing you could ever attempt in your life.

Sometimes my emotions shut down completely. I am cold. I'm talking "I just heard your mother died today." "Yeah, she did. I think I'm hungry." dissociative cold. I try to fight through those times and it isn't as if I'm a complete zombie, unaware of what's going on. My mind is screaming at me about how I should be feeling and there's this little person locked away somewhere that's bouncing from wall to wall in frustration, but it just won't surface. It's like banging a television remote against the table and tapping the channel up button with the ferocity of a child on the "B" button during a round of Mortal Kombat. Nothing happens for a while and then suddenly you're 42 channels past your intended destination and missing the best part of 16 and Pregnant. (I absolutely do NOT watch that show - but you go Chelsea for getting that GED and leaving Adam's sorry ass!) Really what you need is a new set of batteries, but healthcare is just too expensive in the US of A and so you're forced to work with dysfunctional pieces. Wait - what's this a metaphor for again? I'm not good with this.

Digressing, when the remote decides to work and my emotions come back, it's too much too quickly and I'm suddenly in hysterics because I sneezed the other day and no one in the room had the decency to say "God bless you." and OBVIOUSLY this means there is nobody in this world that truly loves me. It's a hot ass mess. One time I spilled a bowl of eggs in my boyfriend's dorm room and he had to hold me up so that I did not fall to pieces in a floor full of yolk. I've looked into facilities for diagnosis and treatment in my area but the truth is that without proper insurance it's sort of impossible. I'd like to know if there's anyone out there suffering from BPD or any emotional disorder and is getting adequate treatment at a fair price. And by fair I mean as close to free as possible. I hate poverty. I hate ruining the lives of those I love more, though.